Nelson 2005

WE have been kick started into the nelson bicentenary celebrations by the excellent talk given to us by Judy Goodman at our AGM. She reminded us that, for Nelson, Merton Place was his ‘little farm' (Paradise Merton was lady Hamilton's name for it), and was the only home owned by him in his entire life in which he ever slept.

Recently-renamed British flagship [53.6kb]

LBM is organising a committe to supervise and co-ordinate the various events to celebrate Lord Nelson's victory at Trafalgar in October 1805, most of which will take place in September and October 2005, but it is likely there will be earlier events as well. We will try and keep you posted here.

In the meantime, a bit of fun (with thanks to the anonymous author who posted this on the internet)

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him put on a lifejacket over his 19th century Admiral's uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he'd been subject to modern Health & Safety regulations?

Imagine - You are now on the deck of the recently-renamed British flagship, HMS Appeasement:

Nelson:	Order the signal, Hardy.
Hardy:	Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson:	Hold on, that's not what I dictated. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy:	Sorry, sir?
Nelson:	England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Hardy:	Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson:	Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy:	Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
Nelson:	In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
Hardy:	The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Nelson:	Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
Hardy:	I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson:	Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
Hardy:	That won't be possible, sir.
Nelson:	What?
Hardy:	Health & Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that the rope ladders doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has be erected.
Nelson:	Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy:	He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
Nelson:	Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy:	Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.
Nelson:	Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
Hardy:	Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Nelson:	Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
Hardy:	A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health & Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets and fall-arrester harnesses. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt – it causes hypertension.
Nelson:	I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
Hardy:	The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
Nelson:	What? This is mutiny.
Hardy:	It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. /td>
Nelson:	Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy:	Actually, sir, we're not.
Nelson:	We're not?
Hardy:	No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Nelson:	But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy:	I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
Nelson:	You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy:	Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Nelson:	Don't tell me Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
Hardy:	As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
Nelson:	What about sodomy?
Hardy:	I believe it's to be encouraged, sir.
Nelson:	In that case kiss me Hardy!

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